How to Talk About Sex to Your Teenage Son

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While information about sexual behaviour and crimes inundates our homes thanks to a vibrant media culture, often, explanation behind their incidence is inaccurate. What can be worse than a Haryana khap panchayat leader blaming an increase in the consumption of fast food, including chowmein, for the higher incidence of rape? 
    
And in a country that’s repeatedly opposed sex education in schools, it’s only myths that make their way into the Indian adolescent’s mind. Global research on how adolescent boys acquire information regarding sex makes things grimmer. Experts say your teenage son is more likely to turn to online porn sites — making it his greatest single source of information on sex and relationships — instead of you, for answers. 
    
“Most boys believe they already know enough about sex, based on whatever little they have absorbed through media messages. Sex for them is about the physical, the anatomy; they think they are entitled to use it anytime, with anyone. The rest of it is all moral rubbish,” says Mumbai-based psychiatrist andsex consultant Dr Rajiv Anand. 
    
With the media telling them what it takes to be a ‘real’ man, boys are far more pressurised than girls to conform to a stereotype — to fit the know-all, super-masculine prototype. 
    
Psychologist Janki Mehta says unlike girls, boys are reluctant to discuss sex in a formal setting, preferring to rely on Google and random conversations. “That’s dangerous, especially if the person on the opposite end isn’t an expert.” 
    
The solution? Sex education, of course. 
But child psychologists are now discussing the ineffectiveness of a sexual behaviour chat in a mixed gender setting, since boys have spoken of how sessions only elaborate on female reproduction, and are thus ‘girl-oriented’. Focusing predominantly on the negative aspects of sex, whether it’s STDs or unwanted pregnancy, makes them turn to other sources. A sex-positive chat that touches on its function of pleasure could help if we don’t want young boys to switch off. 
    
Sex education, whether formal or assuming the form of an informal chat between parents and kids, must go beyond organ awareness, suggests Dr Harish Shetty, senior psychiatrist with Hiranandani Hospital. “Boys see the expression of their sexuality as macho. Some experimentation is okay, but they need guidance on how to behave around girls, and handle their sexual feelings.” 
    
That there is far more pressure among boys to break into the sexually active world, makes it imperative that parents and experts help them channelise their energies, and be accountable for their actions. “It’s old-world but it would help to tell them that ‘true love waits’; it’s better to meet a girl under the sky than in a locked room,” says Dr Shetty. 

At what age? 
Mehta says there is often disagreement between educationists, psychologists and parents about what age to broach a talk about sexual behaviour at. The earlier you start, the better, believes Mehta. “First, instruct them about safety and sexual abuse — it’s okay if someone touches you here, but not okay if it’s done there.” Move on to differences between boys and girls, changes in their bodies when they reach puberty. Older kids can be drawn into a conversation about safe sexual practices, whether it’s contraception or family planning, she says. 
    
Naina Athale, a child counsellor and social worker who has helmed sex education sessions across schools in India, stresses on age and culture-specific modules. 
    
Dr Shetty says sex educators at schools must ideally hold a postgraduate in psychology or social work. But parents, especiallyfathers, play a pivotal role in shaping a male child’s attitude towards sex. “A school-cum-home approach works best,” says Athale. 
    
Experts suggest that parents jog their memory to recollect their own experience when growing up, and be ready to answer questions about their bodies, body image issues, curiosity over girls, the art of differentiating feelings of love and lust, masturbation and penis size myths, fertility, how to use a condom, etc. 
    
“At home, sex education kicks off when your child points to his privates and asks ‘What is this?’ From then on, carefully share age-specific information with him as honestly as you can,” suggests Athale.

Gender-suitable chats 
While mixed gender chats are important if men and women are to learn and be sensitive towards each other, some issues are best discussed in single sex chats. For instance, when discussing porn, it’s fine to let girls know that porn is not necessarily disgusting. To boys, you’d have to get across the message that it’s fine to be drawn to it, but they must remember it’s a fantasy world and shouldn’t be treated as a reference for what a ‘perfect’ relationship is. Focussing on girls alone, as formal sessions in schools tend to do, make boys feel powerless to take responsibility for their behaviour. That’s how relationships end up evolving then. Healthy relationships are about two people participating equally, negotiating wants, and respecting each other.

5-fold route to talking sex
"Be open. If you are inhibited yourself, it won’t work. You must know the answers to possible questions your kid will throw at you. Do your research online or via experts. Remember, just because your kids may have opened up about ‘liking’ a friend of the same sex in their teens or childhood, it doesn’t mean they are gay. Explain the consequences of sexual behaviour in subtle ways. Refresh the learnings every few months," says Janki Mehta.

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